A Great Day
by LostOzian
Summary: In which the planets align and the world conspires against everyone's favorite prince.
1. Everything Goes Screwy

**Disclaimer: Pixie called for Humor. Lozie obliged. I'm probably going to update O-BB in the RENT section after this, but there's also the Novel that's been killing me, so I'm going to have to work on that, too. RENT's probably going to be looking pretty angsty, it's an angsty show. Wicked is not mine. And a note about Avaric, this is Musicalverse but Avaric is not a servant. So, yeah. Story Time! -LostOzian**

* * *

"You ready?" he asked her.

"I think so," Elphaba said. "I mean… we've been planning this for a long time. I have to be ready." He placed a hand on her shoulder.

"If you're uncomfortable, you don't have to go through with this," he said. "I'd rather call this whole thing off than make you uncomfortable."

"No, I don't want to back out," Elphaba told him. "I think it'll be worth it in the end."

"Only if you're ready…" He waited for her to give the word.

"I'm ready," she said. He nodded.

"Only if you're sure."

* * *

Prince Fiyero Tiggular of the Vinkus woke up to a beautiful sunny morning. He sat up and stretched, checking his clock for the time. Wow, a whole forty-five minutes before class started. _Perfect,_ he thought. _I can arrive on time! That'll surprise Elphaba._ With that happy prospect on his mind, he got up and started his morning routine.

Just as he was locking his door and about to leave for class, the door three down on the left slammed open with a loud bang. A girl with Boq's legs firmly locked around her waist stumbled out, trying not to fall over with the weight of the Munchkin kissing her. Fiyero stopped short. The girl had green skin.

The only way to describe what went on in Fiyero's usually underused mind is that it broke. Elphaba kissing anyone would have been enough, but Elphaba kissing Boq was enough to do some serious damage. She stumbled toward a wall, pinning Boq against it. They broke for air, continuing to look into each other's eyes. Boq let go of her with his legs, and his toes dangled a few inches above the floor. After another few seconds, Elphaba let him down so he was standing.

* * *

_Fiyero's mind…_

_"We've lost everything!" Motor Functions said. "Movement, speech, I think the two cranial hemispheres aren't speaking to one another…"_

_"All right," Reason said. "Ego, get the misshapen halves of this kid's brain communicating. Motor, start working on getting speech online."_

_"This is bad," Attraction said. "Elphaba __was the only think keeping him __at Shiz__, what is he going to do?!__"_

_"Well, he'll have to find a replacement for the sexiest cucumber to walk the halls," Motor Functions, deftly reattaching various cords with a screwdriver.

* * *

_

The pair turned to look at Fiyero.

"Why, Boqie-boo, I do believe that's a pretty Yero," Elphaba said sweetly.

* * *

_Motor Functions cursed as Attraction started bouncing off the walls. "Now we'll never get anything online, that one sentence fried just about every cable down here!"

* * *

_

"Missie Elphie, I do believe you're right," Boq said. "He appears to be standing there motionless."

"I do believe could draw a mustache on his face," Elphaba said.

"I do believe that would be rather humorous," Boq said.

* * *

_"Well, the halves are talking to each other again, but they don't know what to say," Ego returned with a report. "But if he doesn't say something, those two are going to make him look __like an__ idiot!"_

_"I got it!" Motor Functions crowed, waving chewing gum and chocolate in the air. "Speech is online!"_

_"Say something!" Ego pleaded.

* * *

_

"N-Nessa…?" Fiyero choked out. Boq and Elphaba looked at each other.

"Nessa," Elphaba repeated. "My dearest sister."

"He asks for her," Boq said. "I think that means he's in love with her."

"That's a perfectly rational assumption," Elphaba said. "We should go tell her."

* * *

_"Now look what you've done!"Ego shouted at Reason. "I knew we should have said something about Elphaba!"_

_"Nessa was the logical one to worry about! She loves Boq!" Reason argued. "Anything about Elphaba wouldn't have made sense!"_

* * *

"Shall we?" Boq offered his arm to Elphaba.

"Let's," Elphaba took his arm, and they started skipping off down the hall together.

"We're off to go find Nessa!" they started singing. "The governor's daughter at Shiz!" They reached the stairwell, and disappeared behind the door.

_

* * *

"Speech fully online!"Motor Functions shouted out._

* * *

"WHAT IN OZ WAS THAT!?" Fiyero's thoughts turned into rather loud words. "BOQ! ELPHABA!"

"Shut up, freak!" someone from another dorm shouted. "I don't have to be up 'til two this afternoon, I'd like to sleep until then!"

"No, but _Boq! _And _Elphaba!_" Fiyero continued. "And they were… They… he…"

_

* * *

"We've got logic!" Motor Functions announced._

* * *

Oh, dearest Oz. If Elphaba and Boq were in the same room this morning, they had probably been in the same room last night… And last night…

No. Oh, bad, nasty words, NO!

_

* * *

"And movement!" Motor Functions shouted. "Ooh yeah, who's good, I'm good, yeah…"_

* * *

Fiyero barreled down the hallway at full speed, barely pausing to open the door to the stairwell, and even then running into the opposite wall before managing to turn and continue his mad rush down the stairs._

* * *

"Oh, what happened to the grace he was so famous for?!" Ego groaned._

"It's going to be months before we get that back online, my pretty," Motor Functions said. "Just be glad he's moving at all."

* * *

Fiyero shot out of the dorm complex into the beautiful sunshine, decidedly not enjoying this morning as much as he had about five minutes ago. Nessa, he had to get to Nessa before Boq and Elphaba did! Or if he just found those two, he could explain it all and maybe get some answers as to why they're suddenly making their lips work out. _This is bad, this is bad, where are they, this is bad- WAIT!_ Further up the sidewalk, there was a person in a wheelchair being pushed by someone else.

"Nessa!" Fiyero shouted, running toward the younger Thropp. "NESSA!"

"That sounds like Fiyero," Nessa's chair-pusher said in a Gillkinese accent. Fiyero stopped short. The person pushing Nessa's chair had surgical gauze taped over her eyes, a pair of dark sunglasses to cover up the worst of it, and was wearing a navy blue skirt with a black-and-white striped blouse and a cheetah-print scarf. He almost convinced himself it wasn't her, but there was no mistaking the head full of blonde curls. Galinda.

"Yes, it is Fiyero," Nessa said. "He's a bit to our left, _no, your other left, _but he's off of the sidewalk, so it's best to keep moving and let him catch up with us."

"What does he look like?" Galinda asked, not having moved her head an inch to look for him.

"Well, he's standing really still, and breathing very hard, so he's been running. Attractive as he usually is, but his hair is messed up. It looks like he had put effort into it, though, so it's a shame that it got messed up." Nessa described, before instructing, "You're drifting right, Galinda, just a hair to the left and you'll be dead center."

"Got it," Galinda said, adjusting Nessa's chair.

"What's going on?" Fiyero said. Galinda made a face, still staring straight ahead. The two girls were passing him, Nessa waving a little hello-goodbye and Galinda continuing to walk as if he wasn't there.

"Well, it all started about a month ago when I couldn't find my favorite pink nail polish," Galinda began. "I asked Elphie where it was, and she had said she had given it to ShenShen as a peace offering, because ShenShen was always stealing her essays and changing the name to 'Lizard Face' with permanent marker. Of course, I got mad, so I sprayed Elphaba's clothes with the latest scent of Bubbly by Wiz-tine, she can't stand the stuff, it reminds her of soap. So then _she_ got mad, and she flushed the toilet while I was showering." Fiyero only then realized that Galinda wasn't going to stop walking, and Nessa wasn't going to tell her to stop, so he jogged to catch up with the pair.

"So then _I _got _really _mad, so I hid a special memento of her mother, it took her hours to find it. So then _she _got _really _mad, and twisted ketchup packets so they would burst easily, and hid them beneath my sheets so when I lay down they would pop all over my nice sheets, and that made me _really really_ mad, so I hid eggs in her boots, so when she put them on the eggs broke, and then _she _got _really really _mad, and put ink over the toes of all my shoes, even the designer ones. I'm probably wearing a pair now, look." Fiyero looked down to see Galinda was wearing a pair of yellow heels with big black ink stains over the toes. _And all of this __started over a bottle of nail po__lish?_

"Well, I was so distraught at the sight of my shoes all smeared with black ink that I found Elphie's letter opener and I cut my eyes." Fiyero stopped short.

"You _what?!_" Galinda smiled.

"Oh, I had wondered if you were actually listening to me," she said brightly. "Anyway, it might not be so bad, I can still feel the eyeballs in my eyes, it's just I can't see out of them."

"You… you cut your eyes?!" Fiyero could barely believe it.

"Yeah, I'm starting to regret it now, but it was an impulse" Galinda said. "Well, I just sat there in agony, Elphie disappeared off to somewhere, leaving me to try not to bleed all over the place. I haven't seen, well, heard, her since. Nessa showed up in the morning, and we shared a tear, well, she was the only one crying, but we were both really sad about my shoes, so we decided we would be each other's caretaker. I'll push the chair, and she'll make sure we don't run into anything."

Oz, spite this situation until he died! This changed everything! _Now_ if he broke up with Galinda, everyone would say it was because she was blind and they'd call him insensitive, and Elphaba would never let Fiyero pursue her!

Which brought him back to the original point, of discovering that Elphaba and Boq had spent the last night together.

"Wait, Nessa, there's something I need to tell you-"

"Boq already mentioned it," Nessa said, finding Fiyero's hand grabbing onto it. "Honestly, if that's how you feel, I'd say give up a Munchkin and take a _prince._" Fiyero struggled a little, finding out that Nessa had a surprisingly strong grip.

"Um… Nessa? Galinda, Nessa is holding my hand, and she happens to be holding it rather tightly…" Fiyero hoped that Galinda would fly into some jealous rage and maybe slap the crippled one.

"No, that's okay," Galinda said. "I'm blind for crying out loud. I don't need a handsome prince. I mean, there might be someone out there who's chiseled and strong but ugly as hell. He'd be perfect for me. I can't see him, but he'll probably have a huge-"

"Thanks for your blessing, Galinda," Nessa cut the blonde off, tightening her hold on Fiyero's hand, which the prince had thought wasn't possible.

"Um…Actually… Nessa…" Fiyero was about to protest when Avaric walked up.

"Hello, everyone," he said pleasantly. "Miss Galinda, I can take the chair?"

"Master Avaric, it's a part of an agreement," Galinda said. "I push and she guides."

"Well, she could still guide if I pushed," Avaric said, gently placing one of Galinda's hands on the armrest of Nessa's chair. "There, you can still feel where she's going, and I can push." Fiyero looked Avaric over. _What's he up to? _He wouldn't just offer to push Nessa's chair like that!"

"How is everyone this morning?" Avaric asked. _And he wouldn't ask how we are!_

"Pretty good, pretty good," Galinda said.

"Today just feels great," Nessa said, giving Fiyero's hand an extra squeeze. "Right?"

Fiyero was about to respond: _No, Nessa, I do not think today is going to be great. I wake up to find that my luscious lime was swapping spit with _Boq,_ and in my shock they assume I'm in love with _you,_ and that the girl that calls herself my girlfriend _blinded herself! _There is no way in Quox this day is going to be a great day!_

Unfortunately, Fiyero did not say this, because he tripped over a rather inconvenient caterpillar, and fell flat on his face. Somehow, Nessa still managed to hold onto his hand, which was probably why he fell so spectacularly. Everyone stopped, and Galinda asked, "What? What happened? Did someone die?"

"No, Fiyero tripped over a caterpillar, and he's lying sprawled on the ground right now. I'm not sure if his arm is bent quite right, I do hope it is, but he's not exactly moving. We've stopped so we can wait for him to get up." Nessa descirbed.

_There is no way this morning can get any worse,_ Fiyero thought as he started peeling himself up from the pavement.

He had no idea.


	2. Why Everything Went Screwy

**Disclaimer: This is a shorter chapter than the other one, but I felt the need to at least update this once because I got all of these confused reviews, and it's all my fault. This should explain why everyone was horribly OOC. Because I wouldn't do it on purpose.**

**I have no clue if this is dedicated to anyone. So it's dedicated to everyone. Wicked is not mine. -LostOzian**

_**

* * *

**_

_**About One Month Ago…**_

Galinda lounged on her bed, her face limp and sad for the lack of things for her to be doing. Elphaba was entertaining herself quite nicely with a large book, but Galinda would never stoop so low.

That's not to say she hasn't come close.

"Elphie, what are some big words that mean 'boredom'?" Galinda asked her.

"Apathy," the green girl said flatly. "Irksomeness. Lassitude. Pococurantism."

"By Oz, stop! That's only boring me more!" Galinda moaned, beating her face with a pillow. "There has to be something for us to do!"

"Start a project," Elphaba said. "Find a cause you support, and organize some sort of fundraiser or awareness rally-"

"Elphie, when will you finally get it, we don't have to act grown up until after we graduate!" Galinda chided. "I'm thinking something _fun_." Elphaba raised one eyebrow without looking up.

"Fun?" she repeated.

"Yes," Galinda said. "Fun." She sat there for a long time, before getting up and going over to her dresser, searching for something, and growing more and more frustrated as she couldn't find what it was

"Elphie, have you seen my favorite nail polish color?" she asked.

"Why would you ask me where your nail polish is?"

"No, Elphie, I would have sworn it was sitting out right here, but I can't find it!"

"You're obviously not looking hard enough."

"Did you move it, Elphie?" Elphaba finally looked up from her book, looking very annoyed.

"Why would I touch your nail polish, for Oz sake?!"

"I don't know, but I can't find it!" Elphaba groaned, shutting her book and getting up to look for the nail polish. She opened one of the desk's drawers.

"Here," she said, producing the small pink bottle. "It's here." Galinda blinked at it.

"Oh." The future Good Witch took her nail polish, trying to avoid Elphaba's 'I told you so' expression. She suddenly gasped, and clutched the nail polish to her chest.

"Elphie, what if you _had_ taken it! What if you had given it to one of my friends to they would stop being mean to you?!" Elphaba looked up again.

"Galinda, please tell me you're not drunk, because you're doing a great job of acting like it," she said.

"No! This is the perfect thing to liven up Shiz!" Galinda said. "If you had given away my nail polish, I would have made your clothes smell like Bubbly by Wiz-tine!" Elphaba wrinkled her nose.

"Yuck."

"Exactly. What would you have done to get even?"

"I would have made your morning shower cold by flushing the toilet."

The girls sat like that for a while, comparing notes of what they would do to each other when Elphaba was driven to the point of putting ink on Galinda's shoes.

"_All_ of them?!"

"_All_ of them."

"You wouldn't," Galinda whispered.

"I would," Elphaba said. "You own too many shoes for your own good."

"Oh, I can't think of anything in response to that!" Galinda complained. "I'd sooner go blind!" The two sat there, the Pink moping and the Green reading when Galinda suddenly gasped again.

"What now?" Elphaba rolled her eyes.

"What if we fooled all of Shiz to think that all of that actually happened?! That we had some big fight!" Galinda said. "I'd tape that doctor-stop-bleeding stuff-"

"Gauze?" Elphaba supplied.

"That. I'd tape that over my eyes and tell everybody that I blinded myself the night before, and all because you took my nail polish! It'd be a great joke!"

"Galinda, nobody would take that kindly. They'd lynch you when you told them it was all a joke." Galinda sat down on her bed, kicking her feet the way she did when she was thinking.

"Fiyero wouldn't," she said quietly, before gasping for a third time. "Oh, what if we only targeted him? Like we told everyone else that it was all a joke and _not him_!" This time, Elphaba lowered her eyebrows at Galinda.

"That is decidedly not good," Elphaba said. "In fact, I would go so far as to say it's wicked."

"Oh, come_onnnn_," Galinda pleaded. "We both know Fiyero well enough to know he'd just take it in stride! A funky dance step in the great waltz of life!" Galinda stood and did a little bell kick to accentuate her point.

"Ignoring the sketchy metaphor, I'm not sure it's such a good idea."

"C'mon, you hadn't thought a makeover was a good idea!"

"That's because it _wasn't_ a good idea."

"Please humor me, Elphie! This would be the most fun thing ever, but for it to work, we need you!"

"You… _need _me?"

"You would be the only one terrible enough to come up with pranks like you promised you would play on me!" Galinda begged. "Oh, I can see it now! We'll get Nessa and Bick involved, and Avaric, and my gal-pals, and Crope and Tibbet-" Galinda froze, her face twisting into a malicious grin. "We could get Morrible involved, too!"

"No. I've already used all my favor-power with her. Soon I'll be in debt to her."

"Elphie, really," Galinda said, before relenting. "Fine, we won't get Morrible involved, but we need you to help us Elphie! Help us set up pranks that will really blow his mind!"

"He doesn't have a mind."

"And that's why we all love him, right?" Elphaba looked away. Galinda, seeing no other way to buy her friend's help, tore as sheet of paper out of her binder and wrote a quick note on it, before passing it to the green girl, who read it.

_Elphaba Thropp is beautiful just the way she is. Galinda Upland._ Elphaba looked up at Galinda. "What is this?"

"It's a skip-one-makeover pass. And it's yours if you help."

"Done." Elphaba said, without missing a beat.

* * *

Fiyero wasn't exactly sure how he was feeling at the current moment. It was a mixture of confusion, anxiety, panic, and a slight stinging sensation on his face from having glomped the pavement. This left him in a slightly stunned state of mind, letting the conversation Galinda, Nessa, and Avaric were having wash over him. _Oz has been turned upside down…_ Fiyero thought. _And I'm the only one right-side up, which means_ I'm_ the one upside down, so the only sane one among crazy people means I'm crazy…_ Oh, Oz, when had he started thinking so philosophically?! This proved he was upside down! He _never_ had philosophical thoughts!

The foursome arrived at class, to find the usual trio, ShenShen, Pfannee, and Milla, from Galinda's posse was waiting for them. They all cooed sympathetically and gave Galinda a big group hug.

"Oh, does it hurt, Miss Galinda?!"

"That was a terrible thing for Greenie to do to you!"

"I should have given that polish right back when I realized it was stolen!"

"It's okay, girls, it's okay," Galinda consoled. "How horrible do I look?"

"You look like a nightmare, but what can we expect? You're _blind_." ShenShen, claiming she felt directly responsible for Galinda's loss of eyesight, took Galinda's arm to lead her as Milla helped by pushing Nessa's chair and Pfannee held the door for them. Fiyero took his chance to corner Avaric.

"What were you playing at, back there?" Fiyero demanded. "'Can I push the chair? How are you all doing?' What was that?"

"That was being nice," Avaric said defensively. "I heard about it, and it sounded cool. What were _you_ playing at back there? Holding Nessa's hand and everything."

"_She_ was holding _my_ hand! I wanted her to let go!" Fiyero protested.

"Then why didn't you let go?"

"She has a really strong grip!"

"You could have told her to let go."

"No, I couldn't do that! She's Elphaba's sister!"

"So?" Fiyero shut up. "Look, we'll just trust that neither of us are playing at anything and call it square." Avaric offered his hand for Fiyero to shake. "Okay?" Fiyero looked at Avaric's hand for a moment, before shaking.

"Let's just go to class," Fiyero said, opening the door. Thankfully, the only two open seats were far from Nessa. Avaric took one near the back, and Fiyero ended up in the one in the front next to Boq. He did a double-take at the Munchkin, who waved at the prince.

"Boq, I need to talk to you," Fiyero said seriously.

"Good, because I need to talk to you, too." Boq said. "Lunch?" Fiyero blinked.

"Um… okay..."

"Good morning, students!" Dr. Dillamond said as he entered the classroom. "Please take your seats." Fiyero sat down, not really having a chance to ask Boq about what he thought they needed to talk about. As the Goat shuffled papers, he did a quick head-count. "We're missing someone… Where's Miss Elphaba?"

Fiyero looked around and realized that Elphaba was indeed missing from the room.

"She's not feeling that well," Boq supplied. "Morning sickness. You know how it is." Dr. Dillamond nodded as if Boq had said Elphaba was out with the flu.

"Decidedly not, but I understand." Dillamond cleared his throat before turning to the blackboard to start writing.

Fiyero was in shock.

Again.

He looked around the room to see if everyone else was as scandalized as he was, but nobody was reacting. He could see Galinda in the back being fawned over as her girlfriends gave up various accessories so Galinda would be better matched, but nobody seemed to have noticed that apparently Elphaba was out because she was _pregnant._

Wait… Did that even work? Do you get morning sickness a few hours after conception? Do you have time to make out with a guy before you start throwing up? None of this made sense… None of this made sense at all… The Prince glared up at Boq, who seemed to be serenely taking notes as Dr. Dillamond wrote things down.

_You better have a very good explanation for why everything is screwy, __Boq__, or you'll find yourself a good foot shorter once I'm done with you. _Fiyero thought.

* * *

Elphaba gargled mouthwash, spitting it out in Crope and Tibbet's sink. _That is the last time I'm ever kissing Boq, _she thought as she gargled again. Technically, first kiss, yeah, but she just decided to disregard it all. It was all a part of a plot. You can't seriously say you had your first kiss in a play or something, can you?

_So far, things seem to be going well..._ Elphaba thought as she finally put away the considerably emptier mouthwash bottle and turned to the famed Cropett.

"So," she said. "What have you got for me?"


	3. Enough With The Handcuffs

**Disclaimer: Happy Superbowl Sunday! My afternoon was bad, despite a loverly update of 'Number Nine' by fermataoso (read it) so I'm updating and begging for happy reviews. It's shorter, but I think the next chapter's going to be longer than this, so just enjoy it. Or try to. And I hope -your team here- wins the Big Bowl! Story Time! -LostOzian**

* * *

Class ended, and Boq immediately grabbed Fiyero's arm and started dragging him away as the Prince protested.

"Hey, ow, ow, _ow__…_" Was it just his imagination, or was Boq trying to make it more painful than it needed to be? Fiyero looked back for Nessa, but she was speaking with Galinda, and the Stupid Tittery Girls weren't noticing… Crap.

"I have a question for you, Fiyero," Boq said as he dragged the prince along.

"When did you get Elphaba pregnant?!" Fiyero cried out.

"No, _I'm_ asking a question," Boq said in irritation. "But fine. The baby's not mine, it's Tibbet's. Tibbet ditched her as soon as he found out she was pregnant, and she came to me. Happy?"

"No," Fiyero said sullenly. Now he had to be mad at Tibbet, too, which was significantly harder to do.

"Well, I have a question for you," Boq stopped, and Fiyero found they were outside the infirmary building. "Have you noticed how girls are all the same?"

"What?"

"There's very, very little difference between girls," Boq said. "Frankly, it's gotten boring. I'm thinking about looking for something different."

"I… don't get it," Fiyero said.

"I'm surprised, a guy who's been with as many girls as you have and you're not bored?" Boq said. "Well, I talked to Stefannee Pascal, and she says there's room for us in the Shiz GLBT support group."

"The what?!" Fiyero said.

"Shiz Gay-Lesbian-Bisexual-Transgender support group," Boq said.

"Where is 'straight' on that list?" Fiyero asked.

"Nowhere," Boq said, taking Fiyero's hand. "Don't pretend you're not curious as to what it would be like…" Fiyero backed away, tripped, and fell over backwards into a bush. Only his legs stuck out, and it looked like the bush had landed on him rather than the other way around. An instant later, Fiyero was up, and was running away, leaves in his hair and screaming bloody murder.

Boq grinned. _Take that, person-who-isn't-me-that-Galinda-thinks-is-good-enough-for-her.

* * *

_

Fiyero kept running. This wasn't just Upside-Down Oz, this was Horror-Show Oz. He had to find someone who could really help… Someone who could wave a hand and make everything right again… The Wizard would be too far away, but there was the next best thing, and she was on Shiz campus.

"Madame Morrible!" Nessa heard Fiyero shouting. The call was acompanied by several loud bangs. "Madame, please! I need to see you!" Madame Morrible looked up from various forms that Headmistresses have to sort.

"By Oz, what could possibly be the matter?" Morrible said, standing up. Nessa thought fast.

"Oh, Madame, it's horrible," Nessa improvised. "Miss Galinda and I were heading to class when Master Fiyero ran at us in a frenzied fit and behaved inappropriately toward me, in her presence!" Morrible paused, looking shocked.

"Did he now?" Morrible's face hardened. Being a female, one thing the evil shrew didn't like to tolerate on campus was unfair treatment of women.

"Yes, and he started telling everyone else that I was the one who started it!" Nessa said, giving her tongue a sharp bite to make it look like she was in pain. "We're all just hoping it's a fit of madness that will pass. I do value Master Fiyero's friendship, and if the madness does pass then we can see to ways of treating it. I'll sit in my room out of sight, and try to send him on his way, but you can't believe a single word he says. He's mad." Morrible nodded.

"If you believe so, Miss Thropp," Morrible said, before heading for the door again. Fiyero continued pounding.

"Madame, if you're there, please, I have to see you!" Fiyero called again. Morrible opened the door as the door to Nessa's room shut.

"Master Fiyero, please come in," she said politely.

"Madame, something bad is going on on campus," Fiyero said, barely pausing as he stepped over the threshold.

Now, if Fiyero had his shirt tucked in, his hair combed, a serious expression on his face with no trace of wild confusion in his eyes, Morrible might have been tempted to ask further as to the nature of what was going on that she didn't know about, and Fiyero would have explained to her it was something being cleverly hidden that affected him directly, where she would have suggested that they find a counselor for Fiyero's friends, because that's why counselors existed.

However, Fiyero had leaves in his hair, grass stains on his pants, and for all the world looked like he was about to start chewing his shoe, so Morrible had no inclination to find out what he thought was going on.

"Now, Master Fiyero, I can proudly say I know what's going on on campus at any given moment," Morrible said.

"Did you know that Galinda _blinded herself_?!" Fiyero's eye started twitching, not helping is case. "Or that Elphaba is knocked up?! Mmhmm, bet you didn't know that, huh?! Or that Nessa, don't get me started on Nessa, she turned her crazy stalker obsession onto me! And I already _have_ stalkers, but most of _them_ would actually obey a restraining order!" Madame Morrible merely nodded, completely convinced that Fiyero had lost his marbles.

She couldn't help thinking as an afterthought that a person with so few marbles would know to keep track of the ones he had.

"Master Fiyero, such occurrences sound like poorly fabricated tabloid gossip," Morrible said. "Your reputation of delinquency and irrational behavior preceded you, but I had not expected it to be this severe. If you refuse to come clean with the truth I will have to make another note on your record."

"_What?!_" Fiyero cried. "I'm the victim here! Everything has fallen down in a great big _heap_!" For emphasis, Fiyero sat down on the floor, saying, "Whump!" He and Morrible stared at each other for a moment.

"I've heard of freshman stress, but this is ridiculous," Morrible said. "Please, Master Fiyero, if you have nothing more to say, leave."

"But Madameeeeee…" Fiyero whined.

"Out." Morrible pointed. Fiyero had nothing to do but stand up and leave the premises. Nessa opened her door, peeking out as Madame Morrible bolted the front door.

"I am terribly sorry, Miss Thropp," Morrible said. "I never knew there was a history of insanity in the Vinkan royal family."

"We hope Fiyero is an isolated case," Nessa said. "Or at least a curable one. My sister should be at the library researching mental illnesses and how to help… I should go meet her."

"Be careful, Miss Thropp," Morrible said, allowing the crippled girl to leave.

"I will be," Nessa said. She left, and saw the receding figure of Fiyero had turned right. Nessa waited a few seconds, before she saw Crope and Tibbet arrive.

"Which way?" Tibbet asked.

"Right," Nessa said. "If you're at the café on Thinker's street, he should intercept you. But move fast. Keep him there until I arrive."

"Gotcha," Crope said, taking Tibbet's hand and proceeding to run off in a rather flouncy way. Nessa sighed. This _was_ rather enjoyable.

* * *

Fiyero sulked off, muttering random phrases about insane fangirls, evil headmistresses, and cottage cheese under his breath. Morrible was no help at all. He couldn't think of any of his professors that would be worth anything in this struggle of his. He walked up Thinker's street, trying to find something familiar that made sense. 

_Crope and Tibbet._ The two were sitting at a table in the café on the corner. _Oz, please say they were sane…_ Fiyero got closer, noticing the two were staring at each other maliciously.

"Hi," he said. "Can I sit down?"

"You can sit down if that paunchy pickle-brained canker-blossom lets you," Crope said.

"Uh… what?" Fiyero said in confusion.

"What that onion-eyed pignut means is that you can sit down," Tibbet said, still glaring at Crope. Fiyero nervously pulled out a chair and sat down, looking between Crope and Tibbet.

"What's up?" he asked.

"As you probably know, the plume-plucked strumpet sitting across from me got Miss Elphaba pregnant via affair." Crope sneered.

"It'd be your fault for being such a dried-out codpiece, otherwise I wouldn't have wandered!" Tibbet banged a fist on the table.

"My fault?! You're the one harboring a _plant _fetish!" Crope spat back.

"Whoa, whoa, if you guys hate each other this much, why are you sitting at the same table together?" Crope and Tibbet gave Fiyero identical 'you have got to be kidding me' looks, before moving their left and right arms respectively so they were above the table. The two were conjoined by a pair of fuzzy pink and rather naughty-looking handcuffs.

"There was another set chaining me to the bed, but we had the key for those," Crope said. "We can't find the key for theses."

"Wait, so you're handcuffed together and _fighting_?" The pair nodded sadly. "But… but you never fight!"

"That was before I found out about that clot-pole was cheating," Crope said, trying to fold his arms and dragging Tibbet's along with him.

"Hey, hey, get my arm away from you!" Tibbet said pulling back. The two began a tug-of-war over the table, knocking a chair over. People started to turn and stare. Fiyero, caught in the crossfire, stared at the famed (and now feuding) Cropett until he heard a small 'click'. He jumped, finding that his own hand was now attached to Nessa's chair by a less sexy pair of silvery handcuffs. She smiled at him.

"Hi, honey!" she said brightly. "Let's go for a walk together!"

_On the count of three, I'd like to be smited,_ Fiyero thought. _One… two… three!_

Nothing happened.

_Damnit._


	4. Where Nessa Spends Her Spare Time

**LostOzian jumps out of a vortex of death to a different dimension, hastily posts and disclaims this chapter, then is sucked back into the vortex.**

* * *

"Um… Nessa?" Fiyero jostled the handcuffs a little. "I don't have a good feeling about this part of town." Nessa had lead the Prince to a rather shady looking section of Shiz town, with gray cobblestone streets and filthy-looking buildings.

"Oh, it's all right," Nessa said. "They know me here." They entered a rather dingy looking bakery. Nessa called into the shop, "Nellie?!"

"Nessie!" a voice called back. A pale, gaunt, and almost gothic woman with a strange hairstyle entered, wiping flour-covered hands off on her apron. The two women embraced, kissing cheeks, leaving Fiyero to stand there awkwardly. "How have you been keeping, Nessie?" Nessa assured the woman that she was doing quite well as Mrs. Lovett's attention turned to Fiyero.

"Well, isn't he a pretty little thing?" Mrs. Lovett said, pinching Fiyero's arm. "And lean, too!"

"This is Fiyero," Nessa said. "He's a dancer _and_ a prince." Fiyero just looked between the two as they shared a secretive look. Mrs. Lovett opened a door to reveal a narrow stairwell, and called up to an unseen person.

"How about dancer?" she said. _Huh?_

"Too tough!" a man's voice called down. Mrs. Lovett smirked at Nessa.

"Dancer and a prince," Mrs. Lovett emphasized. There was no reply, but footsteps until a man, as spooky and pale as Mrs. Lovett, appeared. He looked Fiyero over.

"Nice," he said, then noticed the handcuffs. "Not here of his free will, is he?"

"Oh, no, it's his free will," Nessa said. "He didn't try to run away, so the handcuffs are somewhat unnecessary. Fiyero, this is Mr. Todd," Fiyero looked at the man, not liking the way he was looking back. "And Mr. Todd, this is my new boyfriend, Fiyero."

"Any friend of Nessa's is a friend of ours," Mr. Todd said. "How about a shave?"

"Mr. Todd's a barber," Nessa explained. "He's really good, sometimes people go up and stay for hours and I leave before they finish!"

"Wouldn't that mean he's a slow barber?" Fiyero said. Mr. Todd's mouth twitched, and he rested a hand on a strange holster on his belt.

"Oh, no, he has the fastest, smoothest shaves," Mrs. Lovett interjected. "It's just the shaves are so good people stay for… extra services," Mrs. Lovett glanced at Mr. Todd. "and it takes longer. Haircuts, styling."

"No one's in the chair, I insist," Mr. Todd said, pulling out whatever was in the holster; it happened to be a straight razor.

"A-aren't straight razors illegal nowadays?" Fiyero asked. Nessa pulled out a small key.

"I'd unlock the handcuffs to let you go," Nessa said, and Fiyero had to concede defeat. The metal ring popped off his hand and he followed Mr. Todd up the stairs, then settling down in the barber chair.

"Now then my friend…" Mr. Todd was muttering slowly, maybe singing, but Fiyero couldn't really tell. The prince turned around, seeing Mr. Todd and his razor.

"Who are you talking to?" Mr. Todd blinked.

"No one, sir," Mr. Todd said. "Now, Nessa said you're a prince. Crown prince?"

"Not if I don't finish my education," Fiyero said. "Shiz is my seventh school."

"Really? Many friends at Shiz?"

"Not many people I'd consider real friends… A few, but they've been acting strange."

"What about Nessa, little Nessie? She said you two were together." Fiyero snorted.

"She's crazy," Fiyero said. "The crippled quack thinks I love her, but it was all a mistake."

"Some other lady on your mind?"

"You could say that."

"Are you on her mind?"

"Apparently not," Fiyero admitted. Mr. Todd was silent for a while.

"Do you mind if I start singing about pretty women? I find it makes a nice relaxant before I… start shaving."

"Fair warning, my definition of a pretty woman is green skin and more sarcasm than "I am Oz, and So Can You" by Stevie Colbertt." Mr. Todd stepped around the chair so he could see Fiyero.

"Not beautiful and pale with yellow hair?" He gave a particularly violent spasm. "Like _her_," Fiyero hoped to Oz that he wasn't talking about Galinda, because that would be insanely creepy, and settled for saying "no". Mr. Todd looked out the window, deep in thought.

"You know what, no shave," he said. "That door right there puts you outside the store. Turn left, right, and right again and you'll be at the square with the statue of a man with a cane." Fiyero nodded, slightly bemused. He had danced by that statue. "Better go quick, before Nellie realizes I didn't kill you. We had dancer once before, he was great."

"Wait, kill me?!" Fiyero said in shock.

"Yes, but if you don't run, I'll have to!" Fiyero jumped out of the chair, but didn't quite leave.

"But… why? Why kill me? Why let me go?" Mr. Todd turned his razor over in his hands.

"As to why I kill, it's complicated," he said. "Why I'm letting you go… I never met a handsome man who liked ugly women." Fiyero deflated a little.

"Gee. Thanks." Mr. Todd raised his razor.

"You're just begging for the closest shave ever if you hang around," he said lowly, and Fiyero ran, not exactly wanting to devote full cranial attention to what he had just heard. That could wait.

For now, run away. Far, far away.

* * *

"Where do you meet cute duckies like him?" Mrs. Lovett was saying, referring to Fiyero.

"He's actually my sister's roommate's boyfriend. I don't really care for him like that," Nessa said, helping to roll out some dough as Mrs. Lovett hunted roaches with her spare rolling pin. "But we decided to make today 'Torture Fiyero' day and try to scare and confuse him out of his wits. I know that you and Mr. Todd have this little joke of sizing up gentlemen in need of a shave as if they were being led off to slaughter, and I knew that Fiyero's position would make Mr. Todd get that glint in his eye, that kind he gets right before customers go up for a very long time. People who aren't used to your little joke might be a bit scared. We're going to tell him it's all a joke later today, and everything will go back to normal." Mrs. Lovett's stomach dropped.

"Could you mind the pies, Nessie?" the pie-maker said, climbing the stairs to Mr. Todd's shop. Mr. Todd was washing his hands in the basin he usually reserved for after the kill.

Mrs. Lovett drew her finger across her neck.

_Did you kill him?_

Mr. Todd shook his head, then pointed to the door.

_No. I let him go._

Mrs. Lovett sighed in relief, then made a heart with her fingers and nodded.

_Ah, good, because the poor dearie's rather liked around these parts, if you get my drift._

Mr. Todd spun one finger around his ear, then turned a key in an imaginary lock

_He's barking mad. He should be put away._

Mrs. Lovett shrugged.

_Ours is not to question why._

Mr. Todd made a tube with one hand, stirring his finger at the top.

_Bring me a drink, will you?_

Mrs. Lovett wrinkled her brow.

_Why?_

Mr. Todd drew his finger across his neck, and shook his head.

_I haven't killed all day._

Mrs. Lovett nodded solemnly, then made walking fingers and tapped her wrist.

_Sorry, love. Maybe someone will walk in later today._

Mr. Todd put his hands by his sides, moving them back and forth like he was wheeling something, and then imitated shaving with a finger.

_Pity Nessa doesn't need to shave…_

Mrs. Lovett shook her fist at Mr. Todd, then mimed sliding something forward, the throat-slit, the wheels, and then lifted her hands to imitate a set of terrible fangs biting the barber.

_You won't touch her, she's got talent in pies! Thinking of killing a poor crippled girl, you're a monster! And her sister would trace it to you!_

Mr. Todd pointed at the door that lead to the shop, looking away.

_Just go. Your precious Nessie is still downstairs._

Mrs. Lovett thumbed her nose at Mr. Todd.

_Where you or your little friends can't get at her! Ha!_

The pie-maker turned and left.


End file.
